My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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