fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I love you. Go after that dick
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
