I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I want a musical about memes.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
