I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
