New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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