Dude my mom stole all your condoms
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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