Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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