is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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