your parents love me but you hate me
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
