i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
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I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
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I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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