i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
