Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
