i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
