i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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