I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
