It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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