i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
