matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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