My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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