I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
