Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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