she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
