I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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