dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
a search helicopter?!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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