it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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