I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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