lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
