Pants 0. Shit 1.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
