Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
