just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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