And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
