he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
