I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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