I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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