Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
