My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
