He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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