i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
