i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
