My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
