I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
