Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just gargled with NyQuil
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
