imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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