I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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