were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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