If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
