drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
