Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
