Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
