Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
