Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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