He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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