i love accidental penises.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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