I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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