So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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