The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
