Don't you send me to vm
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
