Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
